Sometimes you just need to fall apart…
That’s exactly what I did Friday. I got bad news, rejection for another job. Yes, I know what I have said about working for myself and my hate for corporate America but hey we all gotta pay the bills right?
Its rough to hear no… to feel like you aren’t good enough. I have been struggling with serious self esteem issues since before the ex left, have all my life really. Confidence is a funny thing, sometimes I feel like the most amazing, capable, gorgeous, sexy creature on the planet, other times I feel completely worthless, frumpy, fat, unlovable, stupid. Sometimes its harder then anything to pull yourself up, those are the red means (yes that’s a rip-off, Holly Golightlyism) but its a great description of how I feel. The red means are rough, way worse then the blues.
The meltdown started while BF (boyfriend) was in the bank, we were running errands when the call came, ‘sorry you didn’t get the job, can we keep you on file’. I just wanted to scream into the phone No you may not, thanks for wasting my time and gas! BF came of the bank and new immediately something was wrong and with tears in my eyes I told him the bad news. I was devastated I thought it was a great interview and was certain I was going to get the job. He consoled me and said not to worry I would get one soon. I tried to cope but my brain was screaming ‘LOSER’! Next stop was supposed to be for donuts, my idea, but I refused to get out of the car. He said “ok what do you want?” me “nothing, I’m fat”, he started the car and headed towards home. I hadn’t made breakfast and it was almost noon now and he had to leave for work at 3 so being a considerate and hungry BF, he pulled into Rally’s drive thru, (one of our fav places, I LUV the fries) and he ordered, Baconzilla for him and a chicken sandwich for me. While waiting for our order, I burst into tears while he tried to console me, “I just want to go home” I wailed. He must have been so embarrassed. Once we got home I did try, I got him a plate and attempted to serve him lunch but it was more like me shoving it at him and then huffing away. Next began the whirlwind of cleaning. Now when the whirlwind begins stay out of the way! Its a double edged sword, yes my house gets clean but I should really be processing my emotions not scrubbing the toilet. Now BF’s normal way to deal with these types of situations would be to force me to talk to him, but he is learning that I need space (thank you therapy). Once cleaning was done I am still feeling miserable, and mean. I forced my food on BF, he was concerned, hates it when I refuse to eat (there have been issues in the past with anorexia and bulimia) but he didn’t push the issue. I jumped in the shower to rinse off the rest of the cleaning product and myself, its my routine let the scrubbing bubbles work there magic while I clean everything else then jump in to scrub and rinse and shower all the sweat away.
I got out and then took my laptop to bed to watch mindless YouTube videos; I am currently addicted to Official Nerd Cubed and his British accent, hilarious dialogue, and Minecraft how to play videos. I also took a stack of my fav movies and had every intention of staying in bed and ignoring the world. Only BF was not going to let me, he came into the room and asked if he could lay with me… “NO”. Such a B! He slunk back to the man cave and I could hear him playing a game, poor guy, I knew he was full of anxiety but I just couldn’t see past my own misery to be concerned about his.
|That’s Dan from Official Nerd Cubed in a Minecraft “Buildly Thingy Video” on YouTube|
Fast forward about 45 mins, my brain was getting pretty numb now and I am all cried out. Anger has drained me. BF is back and asking if he can lay down and hold me… “fine” is my snippy response. I was resentful that his needs where suddenly being forced on me, but funny thing when those big, strong arms encircled me I felt a wave of relief come over me. A slight lessening of the mean reds began while I lay in the arms of the man I love. We didn’t speak, we just lay there, watching videos and I felt the let down that comes after an emotional outburst. A person can only have that adrenaline rush for so long and then you are going to crash. So as I lay there in his arms, resenting him, tolerating his need to feel close to me, to try and help me; I crashed and felt myself drifting off to sleep. Its normal to fall asleep this way, we cuddle every chance we get. I slept peacefully and only woke when his alarm went off and he had to get up and get ready for work. While BF was in the shower I realized that I hadn’t packed his lunch, which I have done every day without fail since we moved in together (well ok once, I’m not that perfect, LOL obviously not perfect at all). I got up and headed to the kitchen and started to assemble everything together. I felt hungover, fuzzy and embarrassed. BF came in and told me to stop, “honey don’t worry about my lunch, go back to bed”, no I insisted. It wasn’t that hard, we had leftover Shepard’s pie from the previous night (one of BFs favs). I wrapped up mini carrots, and vanilla wafers. I put his fav Baked Lays in a tupper bowl. With a banana on top I zipped the bag closed and felt a wave of accomplishment. Man that felt good. I turned to hand him his lunch and kiss him good bye. Looking into those blue eyes melted my heart. I instantly felt all his love and concern and the mean reds were gone.
He headed out and I headed back to bed because while the mean reds where gone they are generally followed by the blues my therapist has told me its normal. What now? I looked through my movies, but nothing grabbed my attention. I surfed around YouTube and Facebook, I thought about reading some blogs, since I am way behind, but that just wouldn’t, work my brain was not ready to focus. Then I remembered a commercial I had seen ‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills‘ has a new season going. I quickly located the latest season online and began with episode 1. Soon I was wrapped up in the ‘troubles’ of the women. I have watched this show before and have my fav ladies, Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle Richards, and my not so favs Adrian Maloof. I know this seems a strange and vapid, waste of time, but watching them and their ‘problems’ helps give me a perspective on reality. The problems of rich girls always makes me think about what is really important, and actually Lisa is a great example of what is really important, family and friends who are supportive and real. It only took a couple of episodes to get me past my blues and back to reality. I have an amazing man, a wonderful apartment, great friends, 3 beautiful children and enough money to pay my bills, my brain screamed at me “girl get it together”! I knew what I had to do. I got up, got dressed, got in my truck, drove to the store and got canola oil and something to eat (I felt better but not up to cooking dinner). I got home, colored by hair, did a pedicure, watched a few more episodes and then about midnight got up and started some cupcakes. Yellow cupcakes with milk chocolate frosting. I wanted them to be perfect and warm from the oven when BF got home at 1 a.m. I wanted to say thank you and I’m sorry. I need to make amends and tell him I appreciate you and everything you do for me.
So the Friday melt down was hard on BF he is not really used to the mean reds yet (thank god they don’t happen that often) and we are still in that adjustment period, ya know learning how to deal with each other’s moods and quirks. He handled it like a pro; I am a very lucky girl. We survived and we will continue to survive because we are really taking the time to learn about it other, not trying to change the other into someone who works for us. We both understand that we have been given a gift and its worth the effort.
Today we got those donuts and went out and did a little ‘yardsalein’. We talked about what happened, and I told him again how much I appreciate him and how important how he gave me my space was to me. We drove around the different neighborhoods of our new town and laughed about how I know it better then he does. We dreamed a little about the future and where we might like to live someday or if we won the lottery. He played it off like it was no big deal, but I know it was hard and frightening for him. I am kinda glad it happened it was a learning experience and we passed the test with flying colors. I know that with time and his love my confidence will grow and be rebuilt. I feel it already with just the reassurance that he gave me with his support yesterday instead of anger.
I will be back next week with a normal blog post I promise. This over-sharing is not what I want my blog to be about, but sometimes you just need to get things off your chest before you can move on ya know. I hope your weekend is going great y’all.